Chronological Timeline

Mid-April: I am feeling very moody and wonder what my deal is. Nichole says "Maybe there's something behind this." I think she means spiritually but I get out my menstrual chart and count the days. It's been 40. Not that long for me since my cycles are pretty long but still long enough to make me wonder.

April 28: I take a test after supper with ZERO thought that it will be positive. In fact, the chances of it are slim to none (which doesn't mean what you think) but I couldn't stop wondering. I have literally never had a test turn positive so quickly in my whole entire life. And, yes, I have taken tons. I put in a bag with some gift foo-foo and gave it to Brian as an early birthday present. He was rather surprised. Both of us in shock. He told me to take the other one the next day in the morning just in case.

*Did Bible study that night and it was on spiritual warfare. It felt very appropriate. Jillian once told me that I can't let satan steal my joy over a pregnancy. I knew it would be a battle as soon as I saw the 2nd line. I felt happy but cautious. How do you not let past experiences affect your perspective? Found my May 1st memory verse: Deuteronomy 28:1a, 7 "If you fully obey the Lord...the Lord will grant that your enemies that rise against you will be defeated. They will come at you from one direction but flee from you in seven."

April 29 (Brian's birthday): I wake up at the crack of dawn to take the test and, again, positive so fast that I can't believe it. We start wondering if the box will be recalled for faulty testing. I call my dr. and get in for a blood test. I call my sister and asked her to stop by my house. She shows up and I throw my "pee stick" into her hand. Ewww. She was shocked, as well. This will get redundant so let me just say everyone I have told is shocked.

*Did Bible study that morning (doing Esther by Beth Moore). The title of today's lesson? "A Time of Happiness". No kidding. Here are some excerpts: "So when a time of happiness comes, I think we ought to take it and run." "He is not only glorified through our suffering. He can also be supremely glorified through our celebrating." She talks about those moments that come after a time of darkness and goes on to talk about turning mourning into dancing, etc. That meant a lot to me because that was my Jan. 1st verse. Psalm 30:11, 12 "You have turned my mourning into dancing for me. You have put off my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, to the end that my heart, my tongue and everything glorious within me may sing praise to You and not be silent.". I didn't know how God was going to do it but that was my verse because I knew God would turn things around for me somehow. It was just an amazing day of Bible study for me--reassurance.

April 30: My doctor's office calls and tells me I need to take a baby aspirin, extra folic acid and my vitamin every day. I also need to come in for an early ultrasound. I dread it. It makes me remember my endless ultrasounds of bad news and I want nothing to do with it.

May 2nd and 6th: I was reminded of that Jan. 1st memory verse again. I thought to myself, is this what my rejoicing looks like? Constant wondering and nervousness? My Bible study today talked about the rejoicing after the Jews defeated their enemies. They made it a time to remember, not their war, but their rest. Rest always means something to me. She also talked about your portion or lot in life. This one part of my life--being a mom, pregnancy, miscarriages, etc.--is just that--one part. But because of the past year of my life, it has become a huge thing to me. I know it will once again fall back in place so I don't want you to think I am revolving my life around this one part!

May 7: By this point, I have told most of my family and a good number of my friends. I have my ultrasound and I feel sick all morning over it. She takes a look and her first words: "Well, I don't see a fetal pole.". I thought I wasn't going to make it. She rallied and said I measured 5 weeks so it's just too early. She was very positive and Brian was his usual laid back self. I am the only one who is overcome with stress, apparently. I sit on my steps later and think, "God, I trust You." and am then convicted with the thought "Do I trust God, period? Or do I trust Him to do what I want?" That's one memorable lesson from my 1st miscarriage. I thought I had hope in God but I found out my hope was in the positive outcome. So when that didn't happen, I didn't have much to lean on.

Week of May 4th: Morning sickness has hit and it's all I can do to remain positive (not about the pregnancy, just as a way of life). No, I don't even remain positive. I try to guilt myself into it by thinking of worse things in the world but all I can focus on is that I feel like crap day in and day out.

May 14: 2nd ultrasound. Nervous stomach meets nauseous stomach and yet I don't throw up. I pray, I cast my cares, I roll my anxiety onto Him but I can't shake the feelings of pure nerves. I finally decide that no matter what I feel, I have to get it over with. We get my favorite ultrasound lady and we all see the baby with this big thumping. Such relief. I really wasn't positive it would be this way. We tell Brian's Mom and she is...shocked! Ha! Yes, we all are. Fertile is my name. I go back to the dr. for my labs and history and all that. Feels weird but good.

*We weren't trying at all for this baby but that makes it better. I have been praying about IF we should try again but my prayers have been that brief. I have not felt my heart could take seeking out an answer or hearing a yes OR no. I told Brian he couldn't tell me what he thought just yet. I got pregnant 6 months after my last miscarriage but it might as well have been yesterday for all the pain that could quickly be evoked by thinking of it.*

*I feel like getting through the 1st trimester will get me across one hurdle but my prayer is that I won't be anxious through this whole thing. I know there are many who wouldn't even announce yet but that's not my way. I usually announce the day I find out so waiting this long has been amazing. :) Plus, it's my blog. I can't even begin to imagine what will happen. I know I am so incredibly thankful that I have the husband I have and that God is always there. I confess, my quiet time gets less as I drown in my misery. So sad, I know. I can't wait until this part passes. I plan on being back to my own self!! *