Flashback Friday

For this post, I had really wanted to dig around and find my big pregnant pics. The 1st one was taken the morning before I had Hunter and Lily. The 2nd one was taken the morning before I had Samuel. That's the good thing about inductions--you can get these last minute pictures!! What's sad is that I probably weigh about the same at the end of both pregnancies even though I gained 42 lbs with the twins and a mere 15 with Samuel. Oh well.

I admit that, not unlike others, I get a little cranky at the end of the pregnancy and since I start out cranky, that leaves just the middle for me to be a delight. I always say I enjoy being pregnant and I think I do. I like getting big and feeling the baby and all that. But I am also ready to never experience morning sickness again!! My last pregnancy--what a weird but good thing. Sometimes I worry that this pregnancy won't last long enough to get to the stage that these pictures show. Fortunately, I have very little energy to devote to worrying so as quickly as the thought comes, it goes. The 1st tests from the hematologist are back and are normal so that's good news. There are more results coming.

It's good to have a goal in mind so this Flashback Friday, I am looking at these pictures, remembering where this all headed, inching up my gratitude meter and anxiously awaiting hearing a heartbeat.

Long Weekend

Due to some contract changes, Brian had an extra day off this long weekend. 4 whole days to have someone who isn't queasy feed the children. It was great. We got to grill out with both sides of the family, get a tiny bit of housework done, play outside a ton, and get groceries (no easy task for me right now!). The twins even got to go swimming in Grandma and Papa PJ's pool. It opened on Wednesday and was heated and mostly blue by Monday. They loved getting in and can't wait until they can swim again. Samuel wasn't interested but neither were Brian or I so that worked out! I napped on a lounge chair. :)

Today, Brian and I had some sort of brain freeze and thought it would be a good idea to take ALL the kids to a movie. Samuel had obviously never gone before. I really wanted to see "Night at the Museum 2", the kids loved the 1st one (though I usually start it when it gets exciting so I was worried about their attention) and I had checked it out on Focus on the Family's movie website and felt good about taking them. We were able to have the very back row to ourselves and Samuel just loved running back and forth. We made 4--FOUR--trips to the potty (not Samuel--don't think I am even trying to potty train him!) and one of the children thought they were in charge of Samuel. I finally used threats with Samuel and he curled up on Brian's lap and fell asleep. It was a wonderful way to spend 3/4s of the movie. We won't be taking him again soon! :) We all had a good time, though.

Grandma Barb got Hunter and Lily some skates so they tried those out after the movie. I was (surprise!) napping so I missed it. Brian said something about a bruised tailbone but they did well other than that. :)

*On the queasy note, you can pray for me tonight/tomorrow because I have to fast 12 hours (7:30-7:30). I usually snack before bed and eat immediately when I get up so I am a bit nervous about how my stomach will handle it. Not that throwing up is the worst thing in the world--I just don't like it! I have my blood test at the hematologist's office tomorrow--praying for good results from that!*

More Pics from Preschool

I needed more pictures on my last post so here you go. :)

Sitting on stage

Hunter getting his diploma
Lily getting her diploma.

Having cookies afterwards.

More people at our table--we had a lot of people there!

Preschool Graduation

The end of the twins' first school year already!! Where does the time go?? It seems like September was forever ago but it went quickly, too! I don't know how that happens. So here is Hunter and Lily on their 1st day of preschool.

And here they are on their last day of preschool. They are so cute. I said I wanted to take a picture of Lily by herself and this is what I got. Ha!

At the program, they had a journal for each child and Lily's reminded me of myself. She loves homework, is thankful for homework and likes reading the best at school. It was fun to see her artwork!

Hunter's journal had a picture of me for what he was thankful for. I almost cried. :) So sweet. He said he likes going outside best. So true!

And here's Samuel and Papa PJ catching the program behind our row. Samuel actually did really well for a 1:15 pm program (right during nap time!). My parents and Brian's Mom were able to make it (along with Brian and I, of course). Brian's Mom brought Carley and Lily was so excited to see her cousin!

Baby

This post may make some of you think that I am talking about my baby but this post is about me. This is my 2nd day of improved well being. Praise God. Seriously. I remember being in labor with Samuel and my wonderful, optimistic doctor told the nurse: "She must have a high pain threshold." I could have fallen over laughing but I did not. Because I am a baby. I know this about me--and that's the first step, right?-- and Brian is (painfully) aware of this. I can suck it up for many things but nausea is not one of them. I would rather do labor because it ends quicker than morning sickness!!

The kids still don't know that we will have another baby. We are going to wait until we can't wait any longer because the miscarriages were confusing and hard. So they just don't get why I am STILL sick. My favorite memory so far is sitting on the bathroom floor by the toilet in that waiting mode and all 3 kids come and sit by me. Lily says, "Are you going to throw up or not??". Hunter says, "Knock knock!" and tells me a joke. Samuel pats my back. It was the sweetest moment. :)

So right now, nothing in the house gets done unless Brian does it. People are not getting fed wonderful meals. It's all whatever you find in the freezer/pantry/fridge. The kids are supervised but sometimes from my position of laying on the couch. So you can pray that I am back to normal soon!!

*In completely different news, Brian and I finally finished membership for our church. This is the 1st church we have been members at and we are very excited and thankful for this church. We both love it and feel very at home there.*

Why?

Why is the cry, "I'm going to throw up!" followed by many little feet running after me to watch?

Chronological Timeline

Mid-April: I am feeling very moody and wonder what my deal is. Nichole says "Maybe there's something behind this." I think she means spiritually but I get out my menstrual chart and count the days. It's been 40. Not that long for me since my cycles are pretty long but still long enough to make me wonder.

April 28: I take a test after supper with ZERO thought that it will be positive. In fact, the chances of it are slim to none (which doesn't mean what you think) but I couldn't stop wondering. I have literally never had a test turn positive so quickly in my whole entire life. And, yes, I have taken tons. I put in a bag with some gift foo-foo and gave it to Brian as an early birthday present. He was rather surprised. Both of us in shock. He told me to take the other one the next day in the morning just in case.

*Did Bible study that night and it was on spiritual warfare. It felt very appropriate. Jillian once told me that I can't let satan steal my joy over a pregnancy. I knew it would be a battle as soon as I saw the 2nd line. I felt happy but cautious. How do you not let past experiences affect your perspective? Found my May 1st memory verse: Deuteronomy 28:1a, 7 "If you fully obey the Lord...the Lord will grant that your enemies that rise against you will be defeated. They will come at you from one direction but flee from you in seven."

April 29 (Brian's birthday): I wake up at the crack of dawn to take the test and, again, positive so fast that I can't believe it. We start wondering if the box will be recalled for faulty testing. I call my dr. and get in for a blood test. I call my sister and asked her to stop by my house. She shows up and I throw my "pee stick" into her hand. Ewww. She was shocked, as well. This will get redundant so let me just say everyone I have told is shocked.

*Did Bible study that morning (doing Esther by Beth Moore). The title of today's lesson? "A Time of Happiness". No kidding. Here are some excerpts: "So when a time of happiness comes, I think we ought to take it and run." "He is not only glorified through our suffering. He can also be supremely glorified through our celebrating." She talks about those moments that come after a time of darkness and goes on to talk about turning mourning into dancing, etc. That meant a lot to me because that was my Jan. 1st verse. Psalm 30:11, 12 "You have turned my mourning into dancing for me. You have put off my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, to the end that my heart, my tongue and everything glorious within me may sing praise to You and not be silent.". I didn't know how God was going to do it but that was my verse because I knew God would turn things around for me somehow. It was just an amazing day of Bible study for me--reassurance.

April 30: My doctor's office calls and tells me I need to take a baby aspirin, extra folic acid and my vitamin every day. I also need to come in for an early ultrasound. I dread it. It makes me remember my endless ultrasounds of bad news and I want nothing to do with it.

May 2nd and 6th: I was reminded of that Jan. 1st memory verse again. I thought to myself, is this what my rejoicing looks like? Constant wondering and nervousness? My Bible study today talked about the rejoicing after the Jews defeated their enemies. They made it a time to remember, not their war, but their rest. Rest always means something to me. She also talked about your portion or lot in life. This one part of my life--being a mom, pregnancy, miscarriages, etc.--is just that--one part. But because of the past year of my life, it has become a huge thing to me. I know it will once again fall back in place so I don't want you to think I am revolving my life around this one part!

May 7: By this point, I have told most of my family and a good number of my friends. I have my ultrasound and I feel sick all morning over it. She takes a look and her first words: "Well, I don't see a fetal pole.". I thought I wasn't going to make it. She rallied and said I measured 5 weeks so it's just too early. She was very positive and Brian was his usual laid back self. I am the only one who is overcome with stress, apparently. I sit on my steps later and think, "God, I trust You." and am then convicted with the thought "Do I trust God, period? Or do I trust Him to do what I want?" That's one memorable lesson from my 1st miscarriage. I thought I had hope in God but I found out my hope was in the positive outcome. So when that didn't happen, I didn't have much to lean on.

Week of May 4th: Morning sickness has hit and it's all I can do to remain positive (not about the pregnancy, just as a way of life). No, I don't even remain positive. I try to guilt myself into it by thinking of worse things in the world but all I can focus on is that I feel like crap day in and day out.

May 14: 2nd ultrasound. Nervous stomach meets nauseous stomach and yet I don't throw up. I pray, I cast my cares, I roll my anxiety onto Him but I can't shake the feelings of pure nerves. I finally decide that no matter what I feel, I have to get it over with. We get my favorite ultrasound lady and we all see the baby with this big thumping. Such relief. I really wasn't positive it would be this way. We tell Brian's Mom and she is...shocked! Ha! Yes, we all are. Fertile is my name. I go back to the dr. for my labs and history and all that. Feels weird but good.

*We weren't trying at all for this baby but that makes it better. I have been praying about IF we should try again but my prayers have been that brief. I have not felt my heart could take seeking out an answer or hearing a yes OR no. I told Brian he couldn't tell me what he thought just yet. I got pregnant 6 months after my last miscarriage but it might as well have been yesterday for all the pain that could quickly be evoked by thinking of it.*

*I feel like getting through the 1st trimester will get me across one hurdle but my prayer is that I won't be anxious through this whole thing. I know there are many who wouldn't even announce yet but that's not my way. I usually announce the day I find out so waiting this long has been amazing. :) Plus, it's my blog. I can't even begin to imagine what will happen. I know I am so incredibly thankful that I have the husband I have and that God is always there. I confess, my quiet time gets less as I drown in my misery. So sad, I know. I can't wait until this part passes. I plan on being back to my own self!! *

First Things First

So here's the big news. My next post will be so long. I feel, in true form to my personality, a chronological timeline will best serve my story. It will be long. Stay tuned. In the meantime, enjoy a picture of my 6 week, 2 day old baby with a heart rate of 120. I am due January 5th and, yes, I will be finding out what gender this little one is. Seeing as how I have zero baby clothes and close to zero baby gear, I would like to be ready.

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms out there. I had a pretty good day. Here I am in the morning with the kids. They surprised me with some homemade flowers they made with Brian and also some flower cards from school. It was very sweet. :) Way to go Brian!

Then I chose to skip church (gasp!) and take everyone out to Palisades Kepler Park. Brian and I had gone there when we were dating but it had been years since we had been back. Brian wanted to take our picture by the "danger" sign because he thought it was funny. He's weird like that. :)

We then went for a hike. Notice the word "Cliff" in the sign. I had some anxiuos moments since the kids tried to go fast through the trail and one of the children is a little accident-prone.

Here they are at the look out--I refused to get close. Too high up for me!

A picture of the stragglers. Samuel took his own sweet time through the trail.

It was a very fun time! Every time we stopped to take a picture the kids would yell "Happy Mother's Day!". I was able to take a nap and have some alone time in the afternoon so it was a really fun day. Thanks to Brian and my kiddos for making me feel loved today!

Miscellaneous

Just a picture of some of the cousins hanging out at Papa's house. We are loving this weather!! Yes, even me. I usually prefer rain or snow but the sunshine does help my mood!

Lily performed with her dance class at a nursing home last night. I was working with her beforehand, trying to get her to practice her dance and she was very half-hearted about it. She would roll her eyes and not give full arm movements. For one moment I felt like a stage mom. I was saying, "Lily, you didn't do the WHOLE WORLD.", moving my arms in a big circle. I sat back and just pictured myself and had to laugh. Brian took her to the performance--it wasn't for family and friends so we couldn't all go--and he taped it for me. She did really well and had a fun time.

Hunter and Lily got some of my light weights out and my exercise stretchy thing (probably not the official name) and told me they were exercising so they could beat that yellow team. They are talking about t-ball. It was so cute. Then, they would exercise and run to the scale to weigh themselves. I promise that this has not been modeled to them--although, they have seen Brian and I weigh ourselves. It was funny, though. They wanted to take their exercise to a different room so Hunter said, "Okay, Lily, let's exercise in my room but don't break my action figures!!".

As for me, I have been learning a ton and when I finally write out a post, it will be super long to the point of annoying. :) Hopefully I will get that done soon.